Ladies and gentlemen, fans young and old...It's my pleasure to welcome you to the First Annual JennChantal Awards Ceremony. 2004 was certainly a monumental year, with the kickoff of JennChantal.com and the daily quotes and pictures that incite the kind of joy that only JennChantal can provide.
I'd like to thank the JennChantal Academy for casting their votes for the Monthly Most Quotables. I'd also like to thank all the many nominees for their inspired commentary. You may not have won a JennChantal Award, but you are still a winner in my eyes.
That being said, I'd like to address the TRUE winners and unveil the valuable JennChantal
Merchandise that you all have been unknowingly vying for - the JennChantal 2005
Calendar! It is my hope that this calendar will serve as a daily reminder to be
as witty, thought-provoking, sarcastic, crass, funny, and ironic as humanly
possible whenever you are in my presence throughout 2005.
Now that we all know
what's at stake - let's announce the winners, shall we?
With
40% of the popular vote, Ms. January Most Quotable goes to Kristen for "How
do you rape a prostitute? I guess you just don't pay her." Kristen, please
come up to the podium to accept your award.
"Each and every day of
2004, I have diligently crafted witty musings, casually dropping (pitching)
these gems within ear's reach of my sister. I have since learned that
angling to get favorably quoted on JennChantal is fruitless.
My efforts have only resulted in fielding angry, tearful calls from family and public interest groups. Again, I find myself needing to publicly apologize to all pimps and their respective hos.
That said, all publicity is good publicity and winning is everything. I would like to thank all the JennChantal voters, and of course the Lord above, for making me Ms. January Most Quotable."
(round of applause)
She campaigned hard - and it paid off. I'd like to congratulate Dana on receiving 49% of the popular vote to become Ms. February Most Quotable for "Someone got to my site by searching 'how many calories does coughing burn?' If you're trying to find that out, you are either coughing way too much or really, really lazy." Unfortunately, Dana couldn't be with us tonight. Accepting on her behalf is actor/comedian, Pauly Shore.
"Unfortunately,
Dana could not be here to accept this highly esteemed award for Ms. February
Most Quotable, therefore I'm graciously accepting on her behalf. She truly
wanted to be here to accept the award herself, but she's off saying extremely
brilliant things to people far cooler than any of you. She chose me to be here
because I'm about as funny, relevant and interesting as her quote about coughing and counting calories. I mean, what was going on with you other
nominees this month? The super lame coughing quote really, really sucks. But
that brings me to my point: Dana, even at her lowest point, is more quotable,
more hilarious, and more popular than any of you, even on your best days.
Sorry, chumps - Dana rules."
(respectable standing ovation for the prestigious, Mr. Shore)
Everyone
loves a catchy slogan. With 46% of the popular vote, my department took home March Most Quotable for "Are You a Drunken Slut?" - the
name proposed for a fetal alcohol syndrome educational program we are working
on. Accepting this award on behalf of the department is singer/songwriter Courtney Love.
"I
don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do...I don't know what
happened. I mean, it was gonna happen...I'm not gonna read you all the note
because it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some of it is to
you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering
that it's addressed to most of you...There is some more personal things that is
none of your damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit...and I'm
laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm
really sorry you guys, I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd been
here. I wish I hadn't listened to other people, but I did...I have to go
now."
The competition in April didn't have a chance against Ashley who took 50% of the popular vote for the story she told me about the t-shirt her brother designed to protest having to go to Church on Christmas Eve, "The last time I was on my knees, it wasn't to pray." I'd like to invite our Ms. April Most Quotable to say a few words.
"I
don't know what to say. I'm speechless. I've never won anything
before. And here I am, the winner of the prestigious Jennchantal award
for April's most quotable. How exciting! Though I can't take all of
the credit. I want to thank my brother, Ian, the true originator of this
quote for being the great guy that he is. And Ian, we promise not to make
you go to church this year. Happy Holidays everyone! See you next
year on Jennchantal.com."
(round of applause)
Ms.
May Most Quotable goes to Cristina, with 40% of the popular vote, for
"If being on my back was exercise, I'd be ripped!" Unfortunately,
Cristina could not attend the JennChantal Awards Ceremony because she was busy
taking a nap on the couch.
In one of the tightest competitions of the year, Jeff squeezed out a win with 32% of the popular vote for "I think he's full of chi," in regards to the hairstylist featured on Queer Eye who uses a client's "chi" to direct their haircut. Congratulations to Jeff for becoming Mr. June Most Quotable.
"First
I have to give a shot out to my lord and savior, JennChantal. I would also like
to thank the
(round of applause)
You
may have felt cheated in the general elections for
"It is an honor to accept this award. Plucked out of the air by the estimable
JennChantal, this pithy saying might have disappeared into the ether, forgotten
forever, discarded and lost in the sands of mind. While I do not remember
actually saying it, and inadvertently voted against it before realizing it was
my own quote, I harbor a real sense of pride that it was chosen as the quote of
the month. Allow me to do some math.
It's
known that, off the 30 quotes from my month, it was chosen first! So, it beat
out 29 other competitors. So, I had a 1/29 chance of winning if the winner was
chosen purely by random. However, on top of these steep odds, the quote also
had to be chosen for that day, competing against possibly hundreds of
statements that Jenn might have heard. Let's assume it was a workday and Jenn
was reasonably chatty that day. Jenn might have had 15 conversations averaging
5 minutes. As the average sentence is about 5-7 seconds long (a non-scientific
approximation), in each of those conversations there were about 60 statements,
which gives us, over 15 conversations, an average of 900 statements that Jenn
might hear in a day. And from those, Jenn has to whittle down all the "uh-huhs"
and "all ins" and "I think it is that key thingy there" to
find the most the most sparkling statement each day. Day after day after day.
It's quite a feat and most be very tiring.
(orchestra music starts playing, signaling Charles to wind it up)
Now, to my point, in a month there are over 27,000 (900 x 30 days) statements that can, with enough luck and pluck, be THE quote of the month. If the quote of the month was chosen randomly from all the statements uttered in Jenn's presence, the odds of my quote winning would be a mere scrap of a chance, 1 in 27,000. However, due to the good judgment of Jenn Chantal and the excellent taste of Jenn Chantal's fans, I have won. The odds were against me. I am honored and humbled to accept the JennChantal quote of the month award. Thank you."
(round of applause)
Apparently
members of the Academy have witnessed my passive aggressiveness firsthand as
46% of the popular vote went to Jeff for saying to me, "Sometimes you slow
play your anger." I'd like to invite our first two-time winner, Jeff, to the
podium to accept his award for Mr. August Most Quotable.
"Wow!
Another award? I guess I didn't need to wait another year after all! Again, I'd
like to thank my lord and savior, JennChantal, for including me on her website
and selecting me to be a part of the nominees. And of course I would like to
thank all of those who were able to look past the mass marketing campaigns of some of the other
participants and see that my quotes needed no help in winning, they stood on
their own and prevailed. A true triumph of good over evil. Thank you all for
the support."
(round of applause)
Clint
takes home the Mr. September Most Quotable award for "Why does it
take a hurricane for people to evacuate
"While
I'm honored to receive a JennChantal award, I can't overlook the fact that ballot box stuffing clearly occurred during the voting
period. Specifically, a certain nominee was threatened by my witticisms
over the past year and took it upon herself to harass voters, directing them to
vote for herself over more deserving nominees.
Furthermore, the JennChantal site may not be a political forum, but considering the masses gathering for the award results, I have to address the political situation in our country.
We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time when we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it is the fiction of duct tape or the fiction of orange alerts. We are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush. Shame on you. And any time that you have the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up. Thank you very much."
(mixture of boos and screams of support)
Wow.
Dana really incited a lot
of anger in some of our awardees. Remember, guys, all's fair in love and
JennChantal. On that note, I'd like to present another award to her for Ms.
October Most Quotable and her thoughts on parenting, "It's like when
you first get a tattoo, you show it to everybody. And then you quickly forget
about it and totally neglect it." With 44% of the popular vote, I'm
pleased to present Dana, live via satellite from
"Thank
you for recognizing my talents. I've known my whole life that my words, my
wisdom, my witticisms would go down in history, and finally it's happening. To
all you naysayers out there who shall remain nameless (*cough* CLINT *cough*
JEFF), I say this: I thought my brilliant campaign strategies would inspire you
to fire up your own publicity vehicles. It's not my fault the rest of you are
lazy pieces of crap."
(round of applause)
November
was the final month of open voting for the JennChantal Awards. Dana swept the competition,
becoming the only three-time winner. "You are so Jewish you don't even
know how to spell Jesus," said in response to a friend spelling His name
"jeses," garnered her 49% of the popular vote. She may be our most
controversial awardee, but she clearly has a fan-base that wanted her to win.
At this time, Dana will accept her award for Ms. November Most Quotable
via satellite from her own private island just off the coast of
"There's
been a lot of talk about ballot stuffing and dirty politicking, and while I'm
secure in the fact that I truly am the Greatest Living Talker of all time, I'd
just like to defend myself one last time before we conclude this evening's
award ceremony: I DIDN'T EVEN VOTE FOR MYSELF THIS MONTH. I VOTED FOR
SAUL. AND I STILL WON. THAT'S HOW AMAZING I AM. THAT'S RIGHT. READ IT AND
WEEP, SUCKERS! Oh yeah, and I'd like to thank my adoring fans, readers of maybeiam.com, and all the
other nominees for sucking so much. Goodnight."
(round of applause)
And finally, Ms. December Most Quotable is a very special award, one that only JennChantal voted on. This coveted end of the year award goes to Kristen for her touching tribute to the holiday spirit, "Every year I have to cross off dead people from my Christmas card list." Kristen, I'd like to invite you back on stage to make your second acceptance speech of the night.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to get
through this thing called Life. Electric word, Life, that means forever and
that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you that there's something
else....Winning on JennChantal!
I would like to thank all the ghosts of Christmas Past and the friends of Christmas Present for this coveted Ms. December Most Quotable Award. May you all find yourselves on my 2005 Christmas Card List in the New Year."
(round of applause)
Well, that about wraps it up. I'd like to thank all of my fans for your dedicated readership - it truly means the world to me. Be on the lookout for new features in the coming year. Yes, JennChantal believes in evolution.
Now let's get to the afterparties!
Thanks for the calendar JennChantal! I already have some key dates circled for dropping some quotes.
Posted by: Jeff | December 21, 2004 at 08:30 AM
Um, excuse me, I thought you told ME I was a winner in your eyes. Now ALL your readers are winners?! Jeez. Well, at least I got the JC merch anyway. Thanks!! The calendar will keep my heart warm while I'm in CT and all year long.
Posted by: amy | December 21, 2004 at 09:56 AM
i can't wait to post my jc calendar in the hallowed halls of the esteemed slsb offices. i'm sure it will be warmly embraced as the true gift that it is.
Posted by: skampy | December 21, 2004 at 11:16 AM