The JennChantal Awards 2006 Ceremony

Ladies and gentlemen, fans young and old...It's my pleasure to welcome you to the Third Annual JennChantal Awards Ceremony.

[thunderous applause]

2006 was a busy and eventful year for JennChantal.com. There was the Great Puzzle Craze of January, two long overdue 4SPT wins, turning the big 3-0, having a best friend move far, far away, buying The First Home with Jeff, having our apartment broken into a week before moving out, finding and falling in love with The First Puppy and creating the McHolsey Family Unit, taking a trip to Mexico to witness two special friends get married, and spending a wonderfully long 10 day Christmas holiday vacation with friends and family. With all that going on in addition to the "are-they-or-aren't-they-best-friends-forever-friendship-of-Paris-and-Britney" to keep tabs on, is it any wonder that there were several stretches of inactivity on JennChantal.com?

Apart from the delayed awards ceremony, another major change to the Chanty's this year was the early announcement of the JennChantal merch to be awarded to all winners - a one of a kind, autographed copy of JennChantal's literary debut, Mortified. In no way endorsed by the Simon Spotlight Entertainment publishing group, this award should nevertheless boost book sales as losers (both losing nominees and you losers who weren't even nominated in the first place) far and wide will likely run out, purchase their own copy, forge a JennChantal signature on the front cover and try to imagine what it would be like to be a true and deserved Chanty winner.

Speaking of winners, let's get this show on the road and announce the 2006 JennChantal Awardees!

[drum roll]

The first award of the night goes to...[rips open envelope]...oh this is a fantastic surprise! My dear fans have voted me and my boyfriend the January Most Quotable for our witty, battle of the sexes repartee, Me: "Why are you getting so testy-cles?"
Jeff: "Why are you ovaries-acting?" Jeff and I, ever humble, have asked Gloria Steinem and Tom Leykis to accept this award on our behalf.

Gloria: "This is no simple reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and race because they are easy and visible differences have been the primary ways of organizing human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour in which this system still depends. We are talking about a society in which there will be no roles other than those chosen or those earned. We are really talking about humanism."

Tom: "Dump that bitch!" 

Thank you Gloria and Tom - you two make quite the pair! Moving on. Our next award and first back-to-back winner - Mr. February Most Quotatble - goes to Jeff for his response to an environmentalist's plea to help with global warming, "No thanks, I like warm weather." Jeff, come on up to receive this prestigious award.

"I'll make this quick with a message to former Vice President, Al Gore. Hey Al, the only thing inconvienent about global warming is that it's not nearly warm enough. It was 58 degrees in my Santa Monica condo this morning. And that's the truth."

Why thank you, Jeff. Let's announce the winner for March and round out the first quarter...

[JennChantal looks out into the distance while a flashy dream sequence begins. Now we see a younger JennChantal (you can tell she's younger because her haircut is totally different. Like, if she's currently bald - she now has hair. Or if she currently has short hair - her hair is now much longer. Also, she's wearing a pager.) Younger JennChantal is standing in front of a wishing well - a QUARTER poised in her hand...]

"Dear God, it's me - JennChantal. Brandy Larson, the most popular girl in Mr. Jensen's 5th grade class, got mad at me because I accidentally broke her Pentel pen set and now none of the other girls are talking to me. I'm a pariah! A leper! An outcast! Now I'll never achieve the kind of worldwide fame and notoriety I've always dreamed of. But God, if you're out there - you'll grant my wish to some day in the future provide me with a set of tubes connected to computers by which I can share my wisdom and popularity with the world."

[Yes, it was then that JennChantal first invented in the internetS.]

"Oh and P.S. - you must, you must, you must increase my bust."

[Flash back to the current day, JennChantal at the JennChantal Awards. As the camera pans down to her chest - we learn a valuable lesson that not all wishes can come true.]

My apologies! I got caught up in a moment there...back to the awards. Let's bring Charles up to receive the Mr. March Most Quotable award for his musing about watching Lost, "It must be annoying being around people who are always flashing back."

"Students, parents,  teachers, and Principal Smith, I'd like to take this opportunity to make a special Lifetime Chanty Achievement Award to Winston Churchill, who dominated the Chanties throughout the 40's. Let's take a look back at the jennchantal.com of yesteryear."

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Sir Winston Churchill after sitting through his tenth Vaughnologue. (Vaughn Rudolf Sandman Sr. 1941)

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. - Sir Winston Churchill after flopping the nuts.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Churchill after witnessing Jeff feed his new puppy.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Sir Winston Churchill on Eliot.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Sir Winston Churchill in the comments section of the 4SPT on why he called Susan.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Sir Winston Churchill on the 4SPT.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. - Sir Winston Churchill on stuffing the Chanty ballot box.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. - Sir Winston Churchill on Susan.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. - Sir Winston Churchill on Jeff and Jenn.

Don't talk to me about JennChantal.com. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. - Sir Winston Churchill

[pan to the crowd, all wiping tears from their eyes]

Thank you, Charles, for that moving tribute to a venerable and oft quoted JennChantal idol. Now let's see who won for April? Wow! Looks like the JennChantal Academy, much like JennChantal herself, loves all things Jeff Holsey. Jeff, come on up here and receive your award for Mr. April Most Quotable for the time back in April when you were confused why there would be a poncho included in an emergency car kit and pondered, "Just in case you break down in Mexico?"

"Last month Jennchantal and I took a trip to Mexico where we saw many cars broken down on the side of the road. Yet, I didn't see anyone wearing their emergency poncho. But then it hit me, that's because they wear ponchos all the time anyway! It must be nice not having to worry about who will get the emergency poncho when you break down...especially when you break down in Mexico."

Thanks for that, Jeff. Our winner for Ms. May Most Quotable and Mother of the Year Award goes to aNANymous for the time she told my sister (on her birthday, no less) our method for tracking her in the water during the swim portion of the triathlon, "We could tell which one you were because of your butt." Mom, come on up!

"Thank you, JennChantal, and all those who so wisely voted for me again.  For the second time, I  am deeply honored to be a recipient of the prestigious Chanty! I would also like to take this opportunity (with the hope that this does not eliminate me from future awards) to encourage JennChantal to once again touch our lives daily.  I realize that 2006 was a very big year for you, Ms. New Homeowner and Acey Parent, but we, your adoring public, missed you in our daily lives, often having to settle for a quarterly review of the incredible world of JennChantal. Looking forward to a 3peat for 2007!"

And now I'm pleased to announce the winner of Ms. June Most Quotable and the recipient of this year's Fan Favorite Award (with 58% of the popular vote) - Me! Bribery and self-nepotism be damed, the popular vote tells me that all my dearest fans enjoyed my "Hot dam!" exclamation after seeing a dam explode in China. Since I'm already on the stage and already talking I'll make this short and sweet. Thank you for your extreme adoration. You are the best fans in the whole wide world and I promise to keep up the witty one liners in 2007.

Now that we've reached the half way point of the broadcast, I'd like to announce the winner of a very special JennChantal Award. There's no voting involved for this prize. Instead, to win the Chanty Community Contribution Award one must display an abnormal fascination with the JennChantal.com enterprise by leaving exceptionally witty and profound comments on the site. This year's winner should be no surprise. Will (betheboy) posted 97 comments to JennChantal.com in 2006. Now, I'm no mathematician - but I believe that means he's able to find something to say about a quarter of the daily posts on this site. His dedication and fortitude is unmatched and I'm pleased to bring him back up to the stage for the second year in a row.

"The best part about being a two time winner is the fact that it proves my grandfather wrong,  he never believed in me.  Back when I was a kid I told my grandfather I was going to try out for the basketball team, he said I would stand a better chance if I tried out for the girls team.  Then when I told him it was my dream to be a two time winner of a prestigious Internet award he told me I had better try out for the girls team.  In fact he said that about everything, in retrospect I think he may have been retarded.  Either way I'm a winner and he's dead.  In your face gramps!"

After last year's JennChantal Awards, a fierce competition between Will and my sister Kristen to best each other with multiple Chanty's ensued. The universe works in mysterious ways, for they tied each other in wins this year - one a piece. Yes, that's right, let's bring Kristen up to the stage for her Ms. July Most Quotable award when she said, "In the meantime, you'll probably get a half dozen 4SPT degenerates arrested for outstanding warrants from the fingerprinting they did." (this after Jeff's and my apartment was broken into and subsequently dusted for prints by the 5-0). Kristen, come on up!

"Wow, I cannot believe I won!!!  I beat Shark Week?!?!  Let's hear it for the JennChantal fraud and bribes voting policies!

I would like to thank the Gypsy Thieves that broke into Jenn & Jeff's place who made this win possible.  I also thank the 4SPT Degenerates for all their unpaid traffic violations.  Next game, remember the latex fingerprints!  Most importantly, I thank JennChantal herself, who keeps me laughing and eternally seeing the lighter side of life.

I regret I'll be a bit late to the after parties since I have to first pick up my Neighborhood Watch Appreciation Award in the Blog Category at the LAPD Gala."

I'm pleased to announce that Ms. August Most Quotable goes to Jeff's Grandmother for her informative statement, "The whorehouses in Pahrump have all been cleaned up. They're like really nice hotels now." Unfortunately, Jeff's Grandmother wasn't able to attend the Chanty's this year. However, she's asked famed Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, to accept the award on her behalf.

"I'd been thinking about diversifying into male prostitutes for some time, but I couldn't find a place beautiful enough to conduct this operation. Then one day I saw this quote from Jeff's Grandmother on JennChantal.com and was sold. I quickly announced my intentions to open Heidi's Stud Farm in Pahrump. Thanks Jeff's Grandmother for the hot tip!"

Thanks Heidi! Well, I just peeked in the envelope for next month's winner and turns out Mr. September Most Quotable goes to yet another of Jeff's family members, his brother Keith for his medical advice, "Your ovaries hurt? Rub some dirt in them." Keith, please come up to the podium to accept your award.

"I'm totally unprepared. After losing for two years straight and only having one quote in contention this year, I really thought I had no chance of winning. I thank you for the opportunity to get some recognition for my sometimes/somewhat 'witty' random comments. Cheers to everyone who voted for me, it is greatly appreciated and truly an honor to win such a prestigious award. I know from the past it is no easy feat, even when you think you have the best quote for the month. I wish I could close out by saying something profound like 'rubbing dirt on [your injury] is like the duct tape for the soul' but then I realized it didn't make much sense. Then again nothing I say really does, so I will just end with a gracious Thank you!"

Thanks Keith. Let's move on to Mr. October Most Quotable. Shay! Please come up to receive your award for the story you told us about the first time you had a massage at a Thai massage parlor without knowing what to expect, "I kept thinking, is this what's meant to happen? And then I went home and asked my wife and she disallowed me from ever getting another massage."

"I would like to thank Jesus because without him there would be no Thailand and subsequently no Thai massage".

Thanks for that, Shay. Well, we are nearing the end of the ceremony and will now announce the final winner voted on by the JennChantal Academy. Mr. November Most Quotable goes to Josh who coined the analogy, "It's like we're New Edition with 5 Bobby Browns." Unfortunately, Josh couldn't be with us this evening. However, Bobby Brown is here to accept this award on Josh's behalf. Mr. Brown?

"People shouldn't believe the lies. The reason why I tried to kill that man is because he spat on me. That's the dirtiest thing you can do to a man."

[from the audience - "HELL TO THE NO!"]

"Whitney, shut the f#*$ up I'm giving a speech here. Damn."

[storms off stage]

Finally, it's my honor and privilege to present the esteemed Mr. December Most Quotable award. As you know, this is the one month when your votes mean nothing and I'm able to practice my skills at dictatorship by choosing the single best quote of the month. Interestingly, my most favorite quote of December occurred on the very last day of the year, dangerously close to the countdown to 2007. Charles, please come up to the stage to accept your award for, "If I weren't so happy, I'd be miserable."

"If I hadn't won this award, this would not be my speech."

Thanks, Charles. Well, that about wraps it up. I'd like to thank all of my fans for your dedicated readership - it truly means the world to me. It's my hope for the new year that you will continue to say the most witty, irreverant, funny, silly, comical, and stupid things one's ever heard either to me or in my presence. And I promise to do my hot dam-dest to post them to JennChantal.com on a daily basis in 2007. Now let's get to the afterparties!

Comments

[Pat Riley]

aNANymous you owe me $1 for using the term 3peat.

[will]

Does Jeff get multiple copies for multiple wins?

[Jeff]

I vote to rename the "Chanty Community Contribution Award" to the "Will Comment" award.

[JennChantal]

Actually, Jeff didn't even get ONE signed copy of the book for his multiple wins. My budget friendly solution was to loan him my copy. He gets to live with me though. That should be prize enough.

[Kristen]

I bought my own copy of Mortified, which JennChantal kindly signed: "Kristen, You're F--ked Up. Love, Your Sister, Jennifer." I'll treasure my award prize for all eternity.