JENNCHANTAL

The JennChantal Awards 2006 Ceremony

Ladies and gentlemen, fans young and old...It's my pleasure to welcome you to the Third Annual JennChantal Awards Ceremony.

[thunderous applause]

2006 was a busy and eventful year for JennChantal.com. There was the Great Puzzle Craze of January, two long overdue 4SPT wins, turning the big 3-0, having a best friend move far, far away, buying The First Home with Jeff, having our apartment broken into a week before moving out, finding and falling in love with The First Puppy and creating the McHolsey Family Unit, taking a trip to Mexico to witness two special friends get married, and spending a wonderfully long 10 day Christmas holiday vacation with friends and family. With all that going on in addition to the "are-they-or-aren't-they-best-friends-forever-friendship-of-Paris-and-Britney" to keep tabs on, is it any wonder that there were several stretches of inactivity on JennChantal.com?

Apart from the delayed awards ceremony, another major change to the Chanty's this year was the early announcement of the JennChantal merch to be awarded to all winners - a one of a kind, autographed copy of JennChantal's literary debut, Mortified. In no way endorsed by the Simon Spotlight Entertainment publishing group, this award should nevertheless boost book sales as losers (both losing nominees and you losers who weren't even nominated in the first place) far and wide will likely run out, purchase their own copy, forge a JennChantal signature on the front cover and try to imagine what it would be like to be a true and deserved Chanty winner.

Speaking of winners, let's get this show on the road and announce the 2006 JennChantal Awardees!

[drum roll]

The first award of the night goes to...[rips open envelope]...oh this is a fantastic surprise! My dear fans have voted me and my boyfriend the January Most Quotable for our witty, battle of the sexes repartee, Me: "Why are you getting so testy-cles?"
Jeff: "Why are you ovaries-acting?" Jeff and I, ever humble, have asked Gloria Steinem and Tom Leykis to accept this award on our behalf.

Gloria: "This is no simple reform. It really is a revolution. Sex and race because they are easy and visible differences have been the primary ways of organizing human beings into superior and inferior groups and into the cheap labour in which this system still depends. We are talking about a society in which there will be no roles other than those chosen or those earned. We are really talking about humanism."

Tom: "Dump that bitch!" 

Thank you Gloria and Tom - you two make quite the pair! Moving on. Our next award and first back-to-back winner - Mr. February Most Quotatble - goes to Jeff for his response to an environmentalist's plea to help with global warming, "No thanks, I like warm weather." Jeff, come on up to receive this prestigious award.

"I'll make this quick with a message to former Vice President, Al Gore. Hey Al, the only thing inconvienent about global warming is that it's not nearly warm enough. It was 58 degrees in my Santa Monica condo this morning. And that's the truth."

Why thank you, Jeff. Let's announce the winner for March and round out the first quarter...

[JennChantal looks out into the distance while a flashy dream sequence begins. Now we see a younger JennChantal (you can tell she's younger because her haircut is totally different. Like, if she's currently bald - she now has hair. Or if she currently has short hair - her hair is now much longer. Also, she's wearing a pager.) Younger JennChantal is standing in front of a wishing well - a QUARTER poised in her hand...]

"Dear God, it's me - JennChantal. Brandy Larson, the most popular girl in Mr. Jensen's 5th grade class, got mad at me because I accidentally broke her Pentel pen set and now none of the other girls are talking to me. I'm a pariah! A leper! An outcast! Now I'll never achieve the kind of worldwide fame and notoriety I've always dreamed of. But God, if you're out there - you'll grant my wish to some day in the future provide me with a set of tubes connected to computers by which I can share my wisdom and popularity with the world."

[Yes, it was then that JennChantal first invented in the internetS.]

"Oh and P.S. - you must, you must, you must increase my bust."

[Flash back to the current day, JennChantal at the JennChantal Awards. As the camera pans down to her chest - we learn a valuable lesson that not all wishes can come true.]

My apologies! I got caught up in a moment there...back to the awards. Let's bring Charles up to receive the Mr. March Most Quotable award for his musing about watching Lost, "It must be annoying being around people who are always flashing back."

"Students, parents,  teachers, and Principal Smith, I'd like to take this opportunity to make a special Lifetime Chanty Achievement Award to Winston Churchill, who dominated the Chanties throughout the 40's. Let's take a look back at the jennchantal.com of yesteryear."

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. - Sir Winston Churchill after sitting through his tenth Vaughnologue. (Vaughn Rudolf Sandman Sr. 1941)

All great things are simple, and many can be expressed in single words: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope. - Sir Winston Churchill after flopping the nuts.

An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. - Sir Winston Churchill after witnessing Jeff feed his new puppy.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Sir Winston Churchill on Eliot.

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. - Sir Winston Churchill in the comments section of the 4SPT on why he called Susan.

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Sir Winston Churchill on the 4SPT.

It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time. - Sir Winston Churchill on stuffing the Chanty ballot box.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. - Sir Winston Churchill on Susan.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room. - Sir Winston Churchill on Jeff and Jenn.

Don't talk to me about JennChantal.com. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. - Sir Winston Churchill

[pan to the crowd, all wiping tears from their eyes]

Thank you, Charles, for that moving tribute to a venerable and oft quoted JennChantal idol. Now let's see who won for April? Wow! Looks like the JennChantal Academy, much like JennChantal herself, loves all things Jeff Holsey. Jeff, come on up here and receive your award for Mr. April Most Quotable for the time back in April when you were confused why there would be a poncho included in an emergency car kit and pondered, "Just in case you break down in Mexico?"

"Last month Jennchantal and I took a trip to Mexico where we saw many cars broken down on the side of the road. Yet, I didn't see anyone wearing their emergency poncho. But then it hit me, that's because they wear ponchos all the time anyway! It must be nice not having to worry about who will get the emergency poncho when you break down...especially when you break down in Mexico."

Thanks for that, Jeff. Our winner for Ms. May Most Quotable and Mother of the Year Award goes to aNANymous for the time she told my sister (on her birthday, no less) our method for tracking her in the water during the swim portion of the triathlon, "We could tell which one you were because of your butt." Mom, come on up!

"Thank you, JennChantal, and all those who so wisely voted for me again.  For the second time, I  am deeply honored to be a recipient of the prestigious Chanty! I would also like to take this opportunity (with the hope that this does not eliminate me from future awards) to encourage JennChantal to once again touch our lives daily.  I realize that 2006 was a very big year for you, Ms. New Homeowner and Acey Parent, but we, your adoring public, missed you in our daily lives, often having to settle for a quarterly review of the incredible world of JennChantal. Looking forward to a 3peat for 2007!"

And now I'm pleased to announce the winner of Ms. June Most Quotable and the recipient of this year's Fan Favorite Award (with 58% of the popular vote) - Me! Bribery and self-nepotism be damed, the popular vote tells me that all my dearest fans enjoyed my "Hot dam!" exclamation after seeing a dam explode in China. Since I'm already on the stage and already talking I'll make this short and sweet. Thank you for your extreme adoration. You are the best fans in the whole wide world and I promise to keep up the witty one liners in 2007.

Now that we've reached the half way point of the broadcast, I'd like to announce the winner of a very special JennChantal Award. There's no voting involved for this prize. Instead, to win the Chanty Community Contribution Award one must display an abnormal fascination with the JennChantal.com enterprise by leaving exceptionally witty and profound comments on the site. This year's winner should be no surprise. Will (betheboy) posted 97 comments to JennChantal.com in 2006. Now, I'm no mathematician - but I believe that means he's able to find something to say about a quarter of the daily posts on this site. His dedication and fortitude is unmatched and I'm pleased to bring him back up to the stage for the second year in a row.

"The best part about being a two time winner is the fact that it proves my grandfather wrong,  he never believed in me.  Back when I was a kid I told my grandfather I was going to try out for the basketball team, he said I would stand a better chance if I tried out for the girls team.  Then when I told him it was my dream to be a two time winner of a prestigious Internet award he told me I had better try out for the girls team.  In fact he said that about everything, in retrospect I think he may have been retarded.  Either way I'm a winner and he's dead.  In your face gramps!"

After last year's JennChantal Awards, a fierce competition between Will and my sister Kristen to best each other with multiple Chanty's ensued. The universe works in mysterious ways, for they tied each other in wins this year - one a piece. Yes, that's right, let's bring Kristen up to the stage for her Ms. July Most Quotable award when she said, "In the meantime, you'll probably get a half dozen 4SPT degenerates arrested for outstanding warrants from the fingerprinting they did." (this after Jeff's and my apartment was broken into and subsequently dusted for prints by the 5-0). Kristen, come on up!

"Wow, I cannot believe I won!!!  I beat Shark Week?!?!  Let's hear it for the JennChantal fraud and bribes voting policies!

I would like to thank the Gypsy Thieves that broke into Jenn & Jeff's place who made this win possible.  I also thank the 4SPT Degenerates for all their unpaid traffic violations.  Next game, remember the latex fingerprints!  Most importantly, I thank JennChantal herself, who keeps me laughing and eternally seeing the lighter side of life.

I regret I'll be a bit late to the after parties since I have to first pick up my Neighborhood Watch Appreciation Award in the Blog Category at the LAPD Gala."

I'm pleased to announce that Ms. August Most Quotable goes to Jeff's Grandmother for her informative statement, "The whorehouses in Pahrump have all been cleaned up. They're like really nice hotels now." Unfortunately, Jeff's Grandmother wasn't able to attend the Chanty's this year. However, she's asked famed Hollywood Madam, Heidi Fleiss, to accept the award on her behalf.

"I'd been thinking about diversifying into male prostitutes for some time, but I couldn't find a place beautiful enough to conduct this operation. Then one day I saw this quote from Jeff's Grandmother on JennChantal.com and was sold. I quickly announced my intentions to open Heidi's Stud Farm in Pahrump. Thanks Jeff's Grandmother for the hot tip!"

Thanks Heidi! Well, I just peeked in the envelope for next month's winner and turns out Mr. September Most Quotable goes to yet another of Jeff's family members, his brother Keith for his medical advice, "Your ovaries hurt? Rub some dirt in them." Keith, please come up to the podium to accept your award.

"I'm totally unprepared. After losing for two years straight and only having one quote in contention this year, I really thought I had no chance of winning. I thank you for the opportunity to get some recognition for my sometimes/somewhat 'witty' random comments. Cheers to everyone who voted for me, it is greatly appreciated and truly an honor to win such a prestigious award. I know from the past it is no easy feat, even when you think you have the best quote for the month. I wish I could close out by saying something profound like 'rubbing dirt on [your injury] is like the duct tape for the soul' but then I realized it didn't make much sense. Then again nothing I say really does, so I will just end with a gracious Thank you!"

Thanks Keith. Let's move on to Mr. October Most Quotable. Shay! Please come up to receive your award for the story you told us about the first time you had a massage at a Thai massage parlor without knowing what to expect, "I kept thinking, is this what's meant to happen? And then I went home and asked my wife and she disallowed me from ever getting another massage."

"I would like to thank Jesus because without him there would be no Thailand and subsequently no Thai massage".

Thanks for that, Shay. Well, we are nearing the end of the ceremony and will now announce the final winner voted on by the JennChantal Academy. Mr. November Most Quotable goes to Josh who coined the analogy, "It's like we're New Edition with 5 Bobby Browns." Unfortunately, Josh couldn't be with us this evening. However, Bobby Brown is here to accept this award on Josh's behalf. Mr. Brown?

"People shouldn't believe the lies. The reason why I tried to kill that man is because he spat on me. That's the dirtiest thing you can do to a man."

[from the audience - "HELL TO THE NO!"]

"Whitney, shut the f#*$ up I'm giving a speech here. Damn."

[storms off stage]

Finally, it's my honor and privilege to present the esteemed Mr. December Most Quotable award. As you know, this is the one month when your votes mean nothing and I'm able to practice my skills at dictatorship by choosing the single best quote of the month. Interestingly, my most favorite quote of December occurred on the very last day of the year, dangerously close to the countdown to 2007. Charles, please come up to the stage to accept your award for, "If I weren't so happy, I'd be miserable."

"If I hadn't won this award, this would not be my speech."

Thanks, Charles. Well, that about wraps it up. I'd like to thank all of my fans for your dedicated readership - it truly means the world to me. It's my hope for the new year that you will continue to say the most witty, irreverant, funny, silly, comical, and stupid things one's ever heard either to me or in my presence. And I promise to do my hot dam-dest to post them to JennChantal.com on a daily basis in 2007. Now let's get to the afterparties!

FAQ: When the Hell Are the Chanty's?

As you know, the Chanty's have traditionally been broadcast in December - capping off the year in celebrated JennChantal style. However, this year the JennChantal Academy decided to make a daring and calculated move to broadcast in January. Move over Oscar, Emmy, People's Choice and Golden Globe  - there's a new gold statue in town and she's aiming to wreck havoc on Awards Season!

Stay tuned - the 2006 JennChantal Awards will be coming to a website near you later this week.

J.T. Reminds You Today is the Last Day to Vote

Britney Wants Your Vote!

Announcing the 3rd Annual JennChantal Awards

Dear Fans,

I'm excited to announce the nominees for the 3rd Annual JennChantal Awards - otherwise known as the Chanty's!

As a loyal fan of Jennchantal.com, you are cordially invited to become a member of the JennChantal Academy and cast your vote for the Monthly Most Quotables. As an Academy Member, you will be presented with a short, 11-question online survey and asked to pick your favorite quote from each month. Voting will be open until Friday, December 22nd.

Each year, the quotees from each winning month receive valuable JennChantal merchandise. Last year's winners took home a JennChantal original mousepad and in 2004 they won a JennChantal original keepsake calendar. In the past - prizes were kept secret until the winners were announced. However, this year I want you all to know in advance what it is the nominees are vying for to encourage maximum ballot box stuffing, voter fraud, and shady bribes to the judging panel. 

This year, I'm pleased to announce that each Chanty winner will receive an autographed copy of my critically acclaimed, literary debut, Mortified!

JennChantal in Mortified is...

• "A cultural phenomenon." (Newsweek)
• "A comic cringe fest!" (Backstage West)
• "A litany of mortifying moments!" (LA Times Magazine)
• "Self-deprecation taken to a whole new level!" (New York Press)
• "Heartbreakingly hilarious tales of personal woe & social catastrophe!" (Flavorpill.net)

So don't delay - cast your vote today. And tomorrow, and the next day, and twice the day after that, and keep voting until the voting booths are closed on December 22nd.

If you'd like to take a trip down JennChantal Hysterical Memory Lane, visit the 2005 Chanty's (with special guests Ellen DeGeneres, Snoop Dogg, and Latrell Spreewell) and the 2004 Awards (with special guest Pauly Shore...hey, it was our first year - getting A-listers to come was a challenge).

As someone brilliant once said, "winning a JennChantal Award is like the first bullet point on the resume of life."

The JennChantal Awards 2005 Ceremony

Ladies and gentlemen, fans young and old...It's my pleasure to welcome you to the Second Annual JennChantal Awards Ceremony.

[thunderous applause]

I'm honored that so many of you have gathered here today to celebrate a flourishing site. Especially because, much like Christmas, JennChantal.com has recently been under attack by a multitude of evil forces including memory problems, censorship, and lack of human interaction (i.e. witty work banter with friends). And yet, like any good Christian holiday, JennChantal.com has managed to beat all the odds and stay on top. So, don't be shy. Come sit on my lap, boys and girls. JennChantal.com has just what you've been wishing for - 12 shiny Chanty's to hand out!

And just what is the special JennChantal merch you've all been vying for? A one-of-a-kind JennChantal.com mousepad! Winners, use this at your home or office computer as a daily reminder to visit your most favorite site on the internetS.

So, without further ado - let's announce the winners!

[drum roll]

The first award of the night - Mr. January Most Quotable - goes to Charles for the time when I told him that he said literally a lot and he replied, "That's because I always talk figuratively." Charles, please come up to the stage to receive your award!

"If I were to say that this award literally meant more than the world to me, I would be hard pressed to explain what I would do with the award and no world on which to display it; however, if I were to say, this award, figuratively, is the ocean upon which my pride and joy sails, I would be kicked in the nuts."

Thank you, Charles. Your ability to talk both literally and figuratively never ceases to amaze me. Moving on. Our next award - Mr. February Most Quotatble - goes to Clint for the all-time fan favorite (garnering 70% of the popular vote), "Someone stole my identity and I think they actually improved my credit score." Clint, I'm pleased to bring you up to the podium to receive this prestigious award.

"I would like to thank those of you wearing blue bandanas tonight in memory of Tookie. I hope we can all tip our 40s after the ceremony in his honor. Can we say that there would have been a Niggers With Attitude or Colors starring Sean Penn and Dennis Hopper had there been no Tookie? Probably. But they wouldn’t have been as good."

Inspired speech, Clint. Being from Hayward, I can definitely relate to black-on-black warfare and I think this is a perfect time to segue into the first and only dance performance of the evening. Everyone, put your hands together for Snoop and Ellen as they Crip Dance together in memory of Tookie. RIP!

[thunderous applause and random yelps of Westside!]

Moving on...Mr. March Most Quotable goes to Dave for, "It's about building his physical strength, not about gymnastics. Cuz that's gay." Come on up here Dave!

"Thank you to all of the people that thought my slightly homophobic comment was either funny, offensive, or endearing.  Next year in Jerusalem!"

Thanks, Dave. I'm sure the Academy looks forward to the Jerusalem JennChantal Awards in '06 as much as I do. Next up is the April Most Quotable, which goes to aNANymous for "I really like what I do. I just don't like waking up every morning and actually doing it." Much like her job, it seems as if aNANymous didn't feel like waking up and writing an acceptance speech either. And since she doesn't want to blow her oh-so mysterious cover, she opts not to come to the podium to accept her award.

I'd like to bring Clint back up to the stage to receive the May Most Quotable for "It's like seeing a unicorn" upon seeing a fat Asian woman.

"Now, as honored as I am to accept my double award this year, I cannot be silent on the sordid history of the award’s namesake. It has come to my attention that our beloved JennChantal began her career peddling smut, under the pseudonym Jenny Chantalicious. How can we, in this season of celebration of the baby Jesus, support what we thought was a wholesome, Christian site knowing it’s morally bankrupt origin? Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you to judge for yourself. I give you now a clip of Chantalicious Desires IV…"

[dumbfounded silence]

I really don't know what to say. I'm so embarrassed, but I guess that's the price of fame. You know, you achieve a certain level of celebrity and next thing you know, people are recording your Diddy Reese habits and posting them to the internetS for the world to see. I'm a little out of sorts right now, but the show must go on!

Mr. June Most Quotable goes to Scott for his comment about the Mexican day laborer his wife fired for being a "slow worker." "It wasn't really his fault. The wheel on the wheelbarrow was busted and he never told us." Sadly, Scott is not able to join us tonight. Without any acceptable hired help, he and his wife are apparently still - 6 months later - trying to install their patio. However, I'm pleased to announce that Juan is here to accept this award on Scott's behalf. 

"Slow worker this - pinche pendejos!"

As we reach the halfway point of the JennChantal Awards, I'm excited to announce a very special award, the Chanty Community Contribution Award, given to a JennChantal fan for his or her exceptionally witty and profound comments to the site. This year, I'm pleased to bring Will up to the podium to accept this award.

"I'll be quick because I'm renting this tuxedo by the minute.  I'm honored to be named JennChantal's favorite commenter.  It wasn't easy to beat out that wierdo with the Blossom issues but I have somehow done it.  I'd like to give praise to Allah, the one true god, as well as my family who supported me when I used to just make comments around the house.  They told me, "someday there will be a way for you to embarrass us all by telling stories that the whole world can read" and until now I have been the embarrassment they expected, but not today.  Thank you JennChantal...for making me a winner."

Thanks, Will. I'd now like to present the Ms. July Most Quotable to Jill for "You really might want to seriously consider adoption, because if I have to birth a child - I'll be holding that over your head for the rest of our lives." Unfortunately, Jill had a prior commitment with an adoption lawyer and could not be with us tonight. So, accepting the Chanty on her behalf is Blanket Jackson.

"I am honored to accept this award on Jill's behalf.  She would like to thank the Academy and everyone who voted for her.  I do feel that it's my duty to let you all know that all adoptions don't turn out like Zahara and Maddox. Sometimes you do hit the lottery and get a hot mom who gives you lots of daddies, but other times you're stuck wearing a blanket over your head and have to sleep with a frighteningly pale, no nose freak. Oh, the horror...the horror!"

Thanks, Blanket. And now I'm honored to present the Mr. August Most Quotable to Jon for "They could walk around wearing big sombreros filled with chips and salsa." Jon, please put down that tortilla chip and come on up to the stage to receive your award!

"Thank you all for coming and thanks to the Academy for your recognition.

JennChantal and midgets have always been a big part of my life. Seeing them come together in the form of a Chanty makes this ceremony a truly miraculous occasion. So this award is as much about them as it is about me. From their humble beginnings in Hayward and the Land of Oz, JennChantal and the little people have struggled against mind-numbing banter and limited employment opportunities.

I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

Fast-forward to today and you can see two miracles happening right before our eyes:

1. JennChantal is proving to the world that something good can come out of Hayward
2. Extremely short but normally-proportioned people are being recognized as being able to do more than just dance around welcoming farm girls to psychedelic hallucinations - they can dance (and cater) at any special occasion.  

Gary Coleman once said to me, "Jon, I can't sit back and swallow stuff. I live in a time and place, and in a country on earth where you're not supposed to swallow it." That thought changed me forever and in a way, it's Gary Coleman who should receive this Chanty, not me.  So thank you Gary Coleman, and thanks to the Academy and JennChantal.com for this honor.  By the way, I'm still seeking investors for Munch-kin Land Catering and my newest idea, Mini-Bar, "Where the servers are small and the drinks are tall."

Thanks, Jon. I would like to be the first one to accept your offer to invest in your newest venture. It's genius - genius!

I'd now like to present Jeff with the Mr. September Most Quotable for "It's looking grave." Jeff, come on down!

"You know who never gets thanked at these things? Dead people. Tonight, I'd like to accept this award on behalf of all the immortally challenged. Without the dead, there'd be no graves. Without graves, there'd be no quote. Without this quote, I'd be nothing. So keep on resting in peace and know that I will always be here to exploit your grave situation in order to get a Chanty."

Thank you. Now it's time to give the award for Mr. October Most Quotable to Tim for "There's a spot there...but I think it's that guy's living room." Unfortunately, Tim couldn't be with us tonight because he's still circling around the theater looking for a parking spot. So, accepting the award on his behalf is Hobo Joe.

"So you find other peoples misfortunes funny?!? You think having your living room on the corner of LaBrea and Pico is something to laugh at?!?  HAPPY F'ING HOLIDAYS YOU SICK YUPPIES!!!  Oh, and Tim is very grateful for all your votes...Thank you."

Well, thank you Hobo Joe. And hey, here's a quarter for your cup! That's the kind of generosity JennChantal is known for at this time of the year.

I'm pleased to announce the next winner of the night, Kristen! She wins the Ms. November Most Quotable for, "Maybe we are allergic to the stench of poverty." Come on up to the stage!

"In honor of this award, I've prepared a poem of Liberty:

Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming bay.
Send these, the Haywardians, Target-tossed, to me:
I lift my discounted lamp beside the electronic sliding door.

This award goes to all the little poor Hayward girls sitting at home watching me tonight.....mesmerized. You, too, can rise above the stench of Industrial boulevards, driveways littered with broken Trans-Ams, and condemned bowling alleys.  You, too, may one day come home for the holidays to gloat, sneeze, mock, and tease fellow blue-collar bargain shoppers.  Believe in your dreams and you, too, will ridicule your former classmates while rummaging bins of marked-down lip gloss.

As always, I owe it all to my little sister, JennChantal.  Growing up with this self-entitled visionary taught me that I do not live among poverty, but above it!  Good night!"

Thanks, sista. Now, my dear fans, it's time for me to give away the most special and prized Chanty of them all - the one hand picked by me for the month of December. Oh sure, I give the Academy 11 months to act like this is a democracy. But don't be fooled! JennChantal is a dictatorship through and through. Let's be honest - who's to say that any of the awardees tonight actually won their category? Did you see PricewaterhouseCoopers auditors anywhere near this event? But I digress...

I'm pleased to present Jeff with the esteemed Mr. December Most Quotable award for his observation about people leaving the movie theater during Rent, "That's because people in Hayward are used to dodging rent." Jeff, please come back to the stage.

"Earlier tonight, Jon and his midget's wearing sombreros noted that JennChantal proves that good things can come out of Hayward. Indeed, JennChantal does claim to be from the mean streets of the H.W.D., but there's another citizen who truly embodies the Hayward spirit. Tonight I'd like to accept this award in honor of Latrell Sprewell. Any man who would turn down a $14 million contract because he has "a family to feed" deserves an honorary Chanty in my book. So let's all raise our glasses in a toast to Mr. Sprewell. Now that's a ninja who can choke a bitch!"

Well, that about wraps it up. I'd like to thank all of my fans for your dedicated readership - it truly means the world to me. I'm going to try my darndest to keep this up in 2006. Now let's get to the afterparties!

He'll Chop Your Head Off

Don't Let Sean Preston Federline Down

Announcing the 2nd Annual JennChantal Awards

Dear Fans,

I'm pleased, and frankly a little surprised*, to announce the 2nd Annual JennChantal Awards.

As a loyal fan of Jennchantal.com, you are cordially invited to become a member of the JennChantal Academy and cast your vote for the Monthly Most Quotables. As an Academy Member, you will be presented with a short, 11-question online survey and asked to pick your favorite quote from each month. Voting will be open until Friday, December 9th.

As you may remember, the 2004 JennChantal Awards were marred with countless accusations among nominees of voter fraud, suspect repeat votes, and ballot box stuffing. But I hope that all of the 2005 nominees realize THAT'S WHAT THE JENNCHANTAL AWARDS ARE ALL ABOUT! I mean, MY GOD, if there's one thing you should know about me by now, it's that I live and die for popularity contests! Lie, steal, cheat, bribe - I don't care what you do but I encourage you to do it because winning a JennChantal Award is like the first bullet point on the resume of life.

And as if bragging rights weren't enough - winners from each month will receive valuable JennChantal merchandise! Last year's winners took home a JennChantal original keepsake calendar. I promise you this year's prize will be even more fabulous in that JennChantal-self-promoting kind of way.

So don't delay - cast your vote today. And tomorrow, and the next day...

*Let's be honest, I don't typically possess the attention span to maintain a hobby for this long...

JennChantal Awards Ceremony

Ladies and gentlemen, fans young and old...It's my pleasure to welcome you to the First Annual JennChantal Awards Ceremony. 2004 was certainly a monumental year, with the kickoff of JennChantal.com and the daily quotes and pictures that incite the kind of joy that only JennChantal can provide.

I'd like to thank the JennChantal Academy for casting their votes for the Monthly Most Quotables. I'd also like to thank all the many nominees for their inspired commentary. You may not have won a JennChantal Award, but you are still a winner in my eyes.

That being said, I'd like to address the TRUE winners and unveil the valuable JennChantal Merchandise that you all have been unknowingly vying for - the JennChantal 2005 Calendar! It is my hope that this calendar will serve as a daily reminder to be as witty, thought-provoking, sarcastic, crass, funny, and ironic as humanly possible whenever you are in my presence throughout 2005. Now that we all know what's at stake - let's announce the winners, shall we?

With 40% of the popular vote, Ms. January Most Quotable goes to Kristen for "How do you rape a prostitute? I guess you just don't pay her." Kristen, please come up to the podium to accept your award.
 

"Each and every day of 2004, I have diligently crafted witty musings, casually dropping (pitching) these gems within ear's reach of my sister.  I have since learned that angling to get favorably quoted on JennChantal is fruitless.

My efforts have only resulted in fielding angry, tearful calls from family and public interest groups. Again, I find myself needing to publicly apologize to all pimps and their respective hos.

That said, all publicity is good publicity and winning is everything.  I would like to thank all the JennChantal voters, and of course the Lord above, for making me Ms. January Most Quotable."

(round of applause)

She campaigned hard - and it paid off. I'd like to congratulate Dana on receiving 49% of the popular vote to become Ms. February Most Quotable for "Someone got to my site by searching 'how many calories does coughing burn?' If you're trying to find that out, you are either coughing way too much or really, really lazy." Unfortunately, Dana couldn't be with us tonight. Accepting on her behalf is actor/comedian, Pauly Shore.

"Unfortunately, Dana could not be here to accept this highly esteemed award for Ms. February Most Quotable, therefore I'm graciously accepting on her behalf. She truly wanted to be here to accept the award herself, but she's off saying extremely brilliant things to people far cooler than any of you. She chose me to be here because I'm about as funny, relevant  and interesting as her quote about coughing and counting calories. I mean, what was going on with you other nominees this month? The super lame coughing quote really, really sucks. But that brings me to my point: Dana, even at her lowest point, is more quotable, more hilarious, and more popular than any of you, even on your best days. Sorry, chumps - Dana rules."

(respectable standing ovation for the prestigious, Mr. Shore)

Everyone loves a catchy slogan. With 46% of the popular vote, my department took home March Most Quotable for "Are You a Drunken Slut?" - the name proposed for a fetal alcohol syndrome educational program we are working on. Accepting this award on behalf of the department is singer/songwriter Courtney Love.

"I don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do...I don't know what happened. I mean, it was gonna happen...I'm not gonna read you all the note because it's none of the rest of your fucking business. But some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most of you...There is some more personal things that is none of your damn business. And just remember: this is all bullshit...and I'm laying in our bed, and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm really sorry you guys, I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd been here. I wish  I hadn't listened to other people, but I did...I have to go now."

The competition in April didn't have a chance against Ashley who took 50% of the popular vote for the story she told me about the t-shirt her brother designed to protest having to go to Church on Christmas Eve, "The last time I was on my knees, it wasn't to pray." I'd like to invite our Ms. April Most Quotable to say a few words.

"I don't know what to say.  I'm speechless.  I've never won anything before.  And here I am, the winner of the prestigious Jennchantal award for April's most quotable.  How exciting!  Though I can't take all of the credit.  I want to thank my brother, Ian, the true originator of this quote for being the great guy that he is.  And Ian, we promise not to make you go to church this year.  Happy Holidays everyone!  See you next year on Jennchantal.com."

(round of applause)

Ms. May Most Quotable goes to Cristina, with 40% of the popular vote, for "If being on my back was exercise, I'd be ripped!" Unfortunately, Cristina could not attend the JennChantal Awards Ceremony because she was busy taking a nap on the couch.

(round of applause)

In one of the tightest competitions of the year, Jeff squeezed out a win with 32% of the popular vote for "I think he's full of chi," in regards to the hairstylist featured on Queer Eye who uses a client's "chi" to direct their haircut. Congratulations to Jeff for becoming Mr. June Most Quotable.

"First I have to give a shot out to my lord and savior, JennChantal. I would also like to thank the JennChantal Academy for their votes.  I'll admit, I was surprised that my "chi" quote made it as far as it did. But not as surprised as I am that this site is actually still up and running - JennChantal's not really known for her dedication to projects. Regardless, I am looking forward to sharing my most brilliant quotes with the masses again in 2005 and standing up here next year to accept another award."

(round of applause)

You may have felt cheated in the general elections for US president - but JennChantal is here to remind you that YOUR VOTE COUNTS! Proof of this fact is no stronger than the heated race for Most Quotable in July where the winner took home the prize by just ONE VOTE! Congratulations to Charles for edging out his strong competition with 38% of the popular vote to become Mr. July Most Quotable for "It seems like the incentive to have sex would be high in a society that sacrifices virgins." Charles, come on up and accept your award.

"It is an honor to accept this award. Plucked out of the air by the estimable JennChantal, this pithy saying might have disappeared into the ether, forgotten forever, discarded and lost in the sands of mind. While I do not remember actually saying it, and inadvertently voted against it before realizing it was my own quote, I harbor a real sense of pride that it was chosen as the quote of the month. Allow me to do some math.

It's known that, off the 30 quotes from my month, it was chosen first! So, it beat out 29 other competitors. So, I had a 1/29 chance of winning if the winner was chosen purely by random. However, on top of these steep odds, the quote also had to be chosen for that day, competing against possibly hundreds of statements that Jenn might have heard. Let's assume it was a workday and Jenn was reasonably chatty that day. Jenn might have had 15 conversations averaging 5 minutes. As the average sentence is about 5-7 seconds long (a non-scientific approximation), in each of those conversations there were about 60 statements, which gives us, over 15 conversations, an average of 900 statements that Jenn might hear in a day. And from those, Jenn has to whittle down all the "uh-huhs" and "all ins" and "I think it is that key thingy there" to find the most the most sparkling statement each day. Day after day after day. It's quite a feat and most be very tiring.

(orchestra music starts playing, signaling Charles to wind it up)

Now, to my point, in a month there are over 27,000 (900 x 30 days) statements that can, with enough luck and pluck, be THE quote of the month. If the quote of the month was chosen randomly from all the statements uttered in Jenn's presence, the odds of my quote winning would be a mere scrap of a chance, 1 in 27,000. However, due to the good judgment of Jenn Chantal and the excellent taste of Jenn Chantal's fans, I have won. The odds were against me. I am honored and humbled to accept the JennChantal quote of the month award. Thank you."

(round of applause)

Apparently members of the Academy have witnessed my passive aggressiveness firsthand as 46% of the popular vote went to Jeff for saying to me, "Sometimes you slow play your anger." I'd like to invite our first two-time winner, Jeff, to the podium to accept his award for Mr. August Most Quotable.

"Wow! Another award? I guess I didn't need to wait another year after all! Again, I'd like to thank my lord and savior, JennChantal, for including me on her website and selecting me to be a part of the nominees. And of course I would like to thank all of those who were able to look past the mass marketing campaigns of some of the other participants and see that my quotes needed no help in winning, they stood on their own and prevailed. A true triumph of good over evil. Thank you all for the support."

(round of applause)

Clint takes home the Mr. September Most Quotable award for "Why does it take a hurricane for people to evacuate Birmingham?" With 52% of the popular vote - he also is being awarded the Most Quotable Participant (MQP) Award. Congratulations, Clint, please come on up and accept your awards.

"While I'm honored to receive a JennChantal award, I can't overlook the fact that ballot box stuffing clearly occurred during the voting period.  Specifically, a certain nominee was threatened by my witticisms over the past year and took it upon herself to harass voters, directing them to vote for herself over more deserving nominees.

Furthermore, the JennChantal site may not be a political forum, but considering the masses gathering for the award results, I have to address the political situation in our country.

We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times. We live in the time when we have fictitious election results that elect a fictitious president. We live in a time where we have a man sending us to war for fictitious reasons, whether it is the fiction of duct tape or the fiction of orange alerts. We are against this war, Mr. Bush.  Shame on you, Mr. Bush.  Shame on you. And any time that you have the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up.  Thank you very much."

(mixture of boos and screams of support)

Wow. Dana really incited a lot of anger in some of our awardees. Remember, guys, all's fair in love and JennChantal. On that note, I'd like to present another award to her for Ms. October Most Quotable and her thoughts on parenting, "It's like when you first get a tattoo, you show it to everybody. And then you quickly forget about it and totally neglect it." With 44% of the popular vote, I'm pleased to present Dana, live via satellite from Tokyo.

"Thank you for recognizing my talents. I've known my whole life that my words, my wisdom, my witticisms would go down in history, and finally it's happening. To all you naysayers out there who shall remain nameless (*cough* CLINT *cough* JEFF), I say this: I thought my brilliant campaign strategies would inspire you to fire up your own publicity vehicles. It's not my fault the rest of you are lazy pieces of crap."

(round of applause)

November was the final month of open voting for the JennChantal Awards. Dana swept the competition, becoming the only three-time winner. "You are so Jewish you don't even know how to spell Jesus," said in response to a friend spelling His name "jeses," garnered her 49% of the popular vote. She may be our most controversial awardee, but she clearly has a fan-base that wanted her to win. At this time, Dana will accept her award for Ms. November Most Quotable via satellite from her own private island just off the coast of Greece. Boy, she travels quickly...

"There's been a lot of talk about ballot stuffing and dirty politicking, and while I'm secure in the fact that I truly am the Greatest Living Talker of all time, I'd just like to defend myself one last time before we conclude this evening's award ceremony: I DIDN'T EVEN VOTE FOR MYSELF THIS MONTH. I VOTED FOR SAUL.  AND I STILL WON. THAT'S HOW AMAZING I AM. THAT'S RIGHT. READ IT AND WEEP, SUCKERS! Oh yeah, and I'd like to thank my adoring fans, readers of maybeiam.com, and all the other nominees for sucking so much. Goodnight."

(round of applause)

And finally, Ms. December Most Quotable is a very special award, one that only JennChantal voted on. This coveted end of the year award goes to Kristen for her touching tribute to the holiday spirit, "Every year I have to cross off dead people from my Christmas card list." Kristen, I'd like to invite you back on stage to make your second acceptance speech of the night.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together to get through this thing called Life. Electric word, Life, that means forever and that's a mighty long time, but I'm here to tell you that there's something else....Winning on JennChantal!

I would like to thank all the ghosts of Christmas Past and the friends of Christmas Present for this coveted Ms. December Most Quotable Award.  May you all find yourselves on my 2005 Christmas Card List in the New Year."

(round of applause)

Well, that about wraps it up. I'd like to thank all of my fans for your dedicated readership - it truly means the world to me. Be on the lookout for new features in the coming year. Yes, JennChantal believes in evolution.

Now let's get to the afterparties!