JENNCHANTAL

No Limit: A Search for the American Dream on the Poker Tournament Trail

Last night I got to see a special "industry preview" of an indy flick with a really long title. I had high hopes for the film for three reasons: it was (1) a documentary (2) about poker (3) for an exclusive audience. Unfortunately, it missed the mark on all three points.

1. My favorite documentaries are those that follow people who take their absurd lives seriously (American Movie, Trekkies, Tribute, Grizzly Man, Spellbound, March of the Penguins). From the description, I thought this movie wouldn't disappoint. It follows a filmmaker as she tries to raise money for her production company by entering high-stakes poker tournaments. I had visions of her selling camera equipment to finance her entry fees and ruining every relationship she's ever had to make her American Dream come true. Instead, they film this woman as she enters $500 tournaments at the Four Queens casino in downtown Las Vegas (never heard of the Four Queens casino? exactly). Not that I'm a high roller, but a $500 buy in is hardly high-stakes poker. But that's neither here nor there. My point is that her life was not absurd or even remotely interesting. Bitching about "bad luck" at 10 different low grade poker tournaments is far from entertaining.
2. So I guess that leads me into missing the mark on point number 2 - poker. In case you hadn't noticed, I play poker every once and a while. I was looking forward to the insights of the many pro players they interviewed on the road. Unfortunately, the movie was filmed from 2003-2004, in the beginning of the "poker explosion." As it turns out, poker has actually evolved a lot in two years and so the interviews seemed really outdated. As you know, the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System was put into place to help you, my Dear Fans, figure out which movies you should bother seeing - I recognize that not all of my Dear Fans actually like, understand, or play poker. With that in mind, I could not - in good conscious - give this film a good rating. The mark of a good documentary (which I guess goes back to point 1 - I'm a little all over the place today) is when it can take unfamiliar or seemingly uninteresting subject matter and make it fascinating for the viewer (Word Wars, Dogtown and Z Boys, Hoop Dreams). Unfortunately, this movie will not turn the average person onto poker any more than any poorly produced GSN poker show would.
3. And finally - I was told I was going to an "industry viewing" and other than seeing poker pro (and boyfriend to Jennifer Tilly) Phil "the Unibomber" Laacke - the audience seemed to be filled with the film-maker's family members. JennChantal demands exclusivity!

For that reason - I'm giving the movie the JennChantal Patented "Find Something Better to Do" washing machine rating. And with that, I'm off to go see a "sneak preview" of Borat: The Movie. Keep your fingers crossed that the audience isn't filled with Grandma and Grandpa Baron Cohens.

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

Dave Chappelle's Block Party

2006 has been a slow movie-going year. Failure to Launch, The Shaggy Dog, She's the Man, and Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector are all currently in the Box Office Top 10. If it weren't for Tivo, reality tv, the return of the Sopranos, and an endless supply of poker shows - I'm not sure where I could have turned for quality entertainment.

The first movie to actually get me off the couch and into the theater this year was Dave Chappelle's Block Party. I love Dave. Jeff and I know parts of his stand up routine by heart (and really, there's nothing funnier than a skinny white kid with hipster glasses retelling the story of a baby selling crack on a ghetto street corner). And after watching Chappelle's recent appearance on Inside the Actor's Studio and learning about his struggles with fame and fortune, I'm proud to say that I've never yelled out "I'm Rick James, bitch!" (though I just said "ping" for the first time, so I guess anything's possible.

But back to my point. I love Dave. I love documentaries. And, in case you hadn't noticed (here, here, here, here, here, here, and here), I'm from Hayward which means I love me some hip-hop.

Block Party follows Dave Chappelle as he plans a surprise, free concert in the middle of Bed-Stuy with some of hip-hop's greatest talents including Erykah Badu (whose afro wig flies off during a song), 'Mos Def', Jill Scott, Common, The Roots, Kanye West (who I hadn't bought into until watching this movie), and Talib Kweli. He even succeeds at reuniting the Fugees - getting Lauryn Hill, Wyclef Jean, and that other guy back together on stage to sing Killing Me Softly for the first time in years.

If you're looking for a well-developed storyline - you aren't going to find it here. If you hate hip-hop - you will hate this movie. If you're still yelling out "I'm Rick James, bitch!" - you're a tool.

But if you answered none of the above, then I strongly recommend you try to find a theater still playing this film and support the movie.

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

JennChantal's Oscar Picks

I've only seen three of the main movies nominated this year: Capote, Walk the Line, and Syriana (all for which I never got around to providing a patented JennChantal Movie Review). Since I can't rely on my keen critical insight, I devised a powerful mathematical equation to help me pick this year's winners:

• Did I see the movie or read the book? +4 points
• Are the actors/actresses in question hot? +3 points for each hot actor/actress
• Are the actors/actresses rumored to be gay or play gay in the film? +2 points per gay
• Did the nominated actors/actresses/directors have good performances in other movies that I've actually seen? +1 point
• Dame or Sir? -1 point
• Does the title include the word "pimp" or "squid"? +2 points
• Was Johnny Depp in the movie? +10 points
• In the case of a tie, the actor/actress who gets the most press in US Magazine will be given one extra point (sorry Philip Syemour Hoffman)

And the winners are...

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain (8 points)

Best Actor
Joaquin Phoenix - Walk the Line (8 points)

Best Actress
Reese Witherspoon - Walk the Line (9 points)

Best Supporting Actor
George Clooney - Syriana (8 points)

Best Supporting Actress
Catherine Keener - Capote (4 points)

Best Director
George Clooney - Good Night, and Good Luck - (4 points)

Best Original Screenplay
George Clooney and Grant Heslov - Good Night and Good Luck (5 points)

Best Adapted Screenplay
Dan Futterman - Capote (4 points)

Best Original Score
John Williman - Memoirs of a Geisha (4 points)

Best Original Song
It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp - Hustle & Flow (2 points)

Best Animated Feature Film
Tim Burton's Corpse Bride (10 points)

The 40-Year-Old Virgin

What's the difference between a Rated-R comedy and PG-13? Sophisticated plot? Intelligent humor? No. As it turns out, the only difference between the two is that Rated-R movies can describe the female genitalia using a more diverse vocabulary.

I had such high hopes for this movie, I really did. First of all, Steve Carell. Second, that preview where he tells the girl he's going to put his bike in her trunk - HYSTERICAL! Oh, and the fact that I think I know the guy this movie is based on (I once worked with a guy in his mid-40s that rode his bike to work and told us he'd been celibate for the past 10 OR 15 years...he'd lost count).

So, it's with much sadness that I give The 40-Year-Old Virgin my patented Wait for the Rental rating. Really, the only reason I'd suggest seeing it in the theater is if you planned to show up about 111 minutes in (it's 116 minutes long) and watch the very last scene. The random humor in the last 5 minutes ALMOST made me forget how incredibly unfunny the rest of the movie was. Almost...

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

March of the Penguins

This summer's best romantic comedy is an enduring love story wrought with passion, heartbreaking separations, heartwarming reunions, hysterical mischief and jigh jinks, and an inspirational journey that demonstrates the unconditional love and bond of family. Call it a "chick flick" and you'd be right...

March of the Penguins stars thousands of Emperor Penguins waddling across the ice deserts of Antartica to visit their breeding ground and commence a mating ritual millions of years old. Humans have a lot to learn from these awkward, fuzzy little creatures. Not only are couples fully monogomous, but the men actually do most of the childrearing!

It's really an amazing movie and beautiful on the big screen. So, I'm giving it a Must See JennChantal rating.

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Sooner or later, I was going to have to decide. Team Aniston or Team Jolie? I actually didn't think it would have been a hard decision to make. I had the Aniston hair cut in 1995, I don't respect cheaters or those that incite cheaters to cheat, and Friends was my favorite show for an entire decade.

But damn it all to hell if I'm not on Team Jolie now that I've seen Mr. and Mrs. Smith! My god those two are hot, hot, hot. You look at them together on-screen and your eyes hurt from trying to figure out which one is more beautiful. I mean, the two time People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive and FHM's Sexiest Woman in the World? It's a match made in Hollywood Heaven! Plus, Maddox needed a daddy - and Brad so desperately wanted to be one.

So what if the movie was corny? Cut them some slack, they are saving the world--ONE ORPHAN AT A TIME--people!

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Hot. Even when impersonating Michael Jackson - hot.  Eccentric movie choices? Makes him even hotter. I love me some Johnny Depp. Always have, always will. He can do no wrong.

So it probably comes as no surprise that I'm giving Charlie and the Chocolate Factory a JennChantal Must See rating.

Any red blooded American should know the storyline by now. I mean, if you didn't read the Roald Dahl classic growing up, you are probably a terrorist. And if you didn't see the original Gene Wilder film, well then you are probably a commie.

But on the off chance I have any commie terrorists reading my site, here's the overview. Little Charlie Bucket lives in a shack with his parents and grandparents. They are poor. Like, cabbage-eating poor. And then Charlie finds a golden ticket - just one of five - in his Willy Wonka Chocolate Bar. The prize is that he and his grandfather get to take a tour of Mr. Wonka's extraordinary chocolate factory. The other golden ticket winners aren't as pure of heart as Charlie is, so they don't fare so well at the factory. But most importantly, there are oompa loompas. Creepy, orange-faced, green-haired, midgets little people singing and dancing everywhere.

When I saw the previews for this remake, I got a little nervous. Yes, Johnny Depp was in it - but the oompa loompas, they were digitally rendered. One guy, reproduced thousands of times over. But horror of horrors - HE WASN'T EVEN A REAL MIDGET LITTLE PERSON!

Well, I have to say. The movie won me over. Johnny Depp was fantastic and hot. And the oompa loompas were actually quite comical. Though, I miss the midgets little people, I'm really proud of the fact that my eye for talent didn't go undiscovered, as I'm almost positive the oompa loompa guy is actually my favorite portly Hispanic man who parades around Wilshire boulevard dressed as Batman, advertising for Aahs. Oh sure, he has a mask on - but I'm not fooled...

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Batman Begins: The IMAX Experience

I took part in an annual right of passage and celebrated the first official weekend of summer by breaking out the cooler, donning a pair of shorts (knee-length, of course), lathering my body in 30 SPF, and heading out to see my first official summer blockbuster.

Yes, it's that time of year again when we can look forward to big budget films, flimsy plots, fast moving car chases, loud explosions, and PG-13 love scenes. Oh, and let's not forget the whirlwind summer publicity tours involving starring actors and actresses providing the media with insightful revelations about love and marriage, the history of psychiatry, and  the healing wonders of vitamins and Scientology (Kaballah is so 2004).

Okay. So I saw Batman Begins on the IMAX screen. It was my first "IMAX Experience" since Kristen, Ashley, Alisa, and I (all in our late 20s/early 30s) saw "N*Sync - The Reel N*Sync" together at Paramount's Great America. Aw yea, I love me some giant screen J.T.

In case you've never been to an IMAX movie - the screen is gigantic. The pre-movie announcer said it's six stories high, but I have a hard time believing that. Yea, it's big. But come on. I'm calling bullshit on that pre-movie announcer. I have no idea why he'd risk such a cush job just to play a sick prank about supposed screen size on this unsuspecting movie goer - but I paid good money to see this flick and the least he could do is treat me with enough respect to give me the truth...

Right, so Batman. He wasn't always a bat-masked, caped-crusader. Once he was just a little boy named Bruce with loving, filthy rich parents that were killed by a Gotham city thug. Little Bruce was told it wasn't his fault - but I beg to differ. If he wasn't such a little crybaby--scared of dancing operatic bats--maybe mommy and daddy would still be alive and he wouldn't have to play dress-up and fight crime all day long.

Anyhow, the bottom line is if you like summer blockbusters - this is a good way to kick off the season. 

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

I recently revealed the ugly truth that I am a fan of sci-fi movies. Many fans were disappointed and a little uncomfortable with the knowledge that I'm a total geek. Others were comforted by the truth that I'm not perfect. Just like Jesus died on a cross for all of our sins (well, at least we lucky Christians), I admitted to my shortcomings as a way to humanize myself and make you feel better about being a geek.

That being said, I saw Star Wars this weekend. As I watched the many, many, MANY light saber scenes - I questioned my own geekiness. As it turns out, I was actually pretty bored during the entire thing. The endless battle scenes, the alien beings, the numerous gun shots by the dark side that never seem to hit any of the good people, and those damn light sabers...

And speaking of light sabers - where's the innovation, George? Yea, those were really cool 30 years ago - but we've kind of been there, done that by now - wouldn't you agree?

 

Throughout the entire movie I just felt anxious. Come on, let's get on with it - when is he going to turn into Darth Vadar? Put on the mask! Breathe loudly! Cue the dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun music! Since we all know what is going to happen, let's hurry it along. But no, they wait until the final 5 minutes of the movie and then totally ruin it with the ever evil and looming Lord Vadar screaming out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, while clenching his mechanical fists, after he learns of his beloved's demise.

And speaking of those mechanical fists, here's an interesting fact for you. When I saw the last Star Wars, I somehow totally zoned out and never saw Skywalker get his hand cut off. Apparently it was a totally pivotal scene and almost completely impossible to miss. But I did. Anyhow, this time around [spoiler alert] Skywalker gets his legs chopped off. Jeff leaned over to me and jokingly said, "Just in case you missed that - he got his legs chopped off." I turned to him in amazement and told him that, in fact, I once again zoned out. Blame it on those damned light sabers.

 

So what's it all mean? Well, apparently I'm not the sci-fi geek I thought I was. So breathe easy. The shallow and judgmental JennChantal you all know and love is back. And just know that if you waited in a really long line at midnight to see this movie - I think you are a total geek and am laughing at you with all my catty friends.

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

I'm sure you consider me to be a fairly cool, with it, and altogether totally happening type of girl. So, dear fans, it might come as somewhat of a shock to learn my dirty little secret...

Hi, my name is JennChantal, and I like sci-fi movies.

(exhale)

This is a blog - and that's what bloggers do. They air their dirty laundry for the world to see. So, okay - it's out there, I'M A BIG GEEK!

Yes, it was with much anticipation that I lined up to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. It's been my book of choice this past month and I was really looking forward to seeing how the movie would hold up. And not surprisingly, it was just so-so.

Here's the thing...when I read the book I feel like a smarty: I laugh at all the geeky jokes; I ponder the deeper philosophical meaning of life, the universe, and everything; and I feel very learned holding up an 800-page book that looks like a Bible. But the movie didn't make me feel smart. The majority of the audience were pre-teens and the majority of the jokes in the book came off as weak gags on film.

However, it was enjoyable. I'd say if you liked Men in Black (the first, not the second), and you aren't an uber-dork that has the number 42 tattooed on your right arm - go for the popcorn and you'll have a good time.

Click here for the JennChantal Patented Movie Review Rating System.